Welcome to What Distracts Me Wednesdays. Normally, I use this weekly (ok mostly weekly) forum for providing you something that you can use to distract yourself from the rigors of work and life. Today, however, is a little different. You see, what’s distracting me lately is life itself. So, I thought I’d share with you how life has been the biggest distraction of all lately.
Life is busy. Actually, it’s been crazy busy lately.
Last night as I was heading off to bed (after having fallen asleep on the sofa) I was debating about working out in the morning vs. sleeping in. As I’ve been feeling the societal pressure to be some god from ab city I was torn between that and sleep. Sleep won out so a quick change of the alarm and I was going to gain another 1.5 hours of solid slumber.
Ah sweet dreams. Wait what’s that…whistles, “come on let’s get going ladies!”
Hmmm, I’m clearly dreaming I’m in the army. I like dreams. But, this one sucks – damn workout guilt.
Wait, that’s no dream…those whistles are real! Sonofa…I left my window open again. It’s that damn neighborhood boot camp I’m hearing. WTF! Is it really necessary to yell at ladies and blow whistles in suburbia at 5 freaking am?
OK seriously. I’ve talked to you ladies who do this. At least in my hood 90% of you are stayathomers. So, I’ve got this question for you…Why the hell are you getting up at 5:30 am to do this? I know you’re busy and all, but if I were a stayathomer I’d totally get the kids off to school come home and THEN workout. Or maybe not.
Of to school and kid drop off line – I think many of you parents should be going to driving boot camp in the morning based on what I’ve seen at drop off line. It freaking amazes me that there isn’t a kid run over daily given how many idiots do u-turns in a space I could barely walk through.
Kids off to get a quality California education (when the schools aren’t closed due to our budget mess) and me off to my blissful 1-ish hour commute.
63 minutes later and I’ve made it to Cubeopolis. Helloooo Office life.
And, it goes a little something like this (cue Tone Loc music).
Meeting after meeting after meeting. Emails and phone calls from coworkers quizzing me on why I haven’t answered their other email and/or phone call from 2 minutes and 37 seconds ago…38…39…
Woohoo it’s lunch time! Time to relax, have some quality leftovers form the the wife’s home cooked dinner last night and maybe, just maybe a quick walk outside.
Whoa holy shit what is that smell coming out of the break room? Smells like an odd combination of microwaved fish and curry. Looks like I’m eating my grub at the desk again.
Lunch is over. And, since the office coffee is more like brewed mud from a pigsty, it’s time for some quality green tea to refresh myself. And, you know what comes after that…a trip to the little boy’s room which confirms two things:
- If you see Cubicle George heading to the John with his laptop you should turn the other way and run fast.
- I think the janitors are out to get me. I mean, after all, why is it that they always clean the bathroom at precisely the time I need to go in the afternoon?
Back to the meeting grind. Given that no company meeting can start on schedule as people don’t value each others time and continually show up late, the odds of an afternoon meeting happening, let alone starting on time, are virtually non-existent. But, in that one instance I show up late, I’ll be crucified.
Things are quieting down now that it’s late afternoon. Time to catch up on some paperwork.
Oh shit forgot today is sweetie-pie Jane’s orthodontist appointment? Fuck gotta call Mrs. CV to make sure she remembered – after all it’s not in our awesomely accessible, Google family calendar that I set up for everyone in the family to know what everyone is doing at all times of the day.
Of course tonight is Johnny’s (what sport is he in right now?) practice. I think I’m supposed to do pick up from that…
“People USE THE CALENDAR!!”
Crap I’m going to be late for pickup…think I’ll take this one last meeting in the car on the way home. “AT&T you better have more freaking bars in more places along my freaking commute or I’m going to kick some 4G ass!”
Call done and only 10 more minutes until I’m home.
Buzzzz!!!! Hey there, a text from Mrs.CV. Maybe she’ll sext me…wink wink.
CV can you pick up one jar of Cumin after picking up Johnny?
Heehee she said cumin (always makes my juvenile mind giggle).
You aren’t texting while driving are you?
Of course not, I’m at a stop light…sheesh.
$75 and three bags of groceries later (I can never just get one item at the store) I pull into the driveway.
“Wilma! I’m home!”
“Shut your pie hole CV and go help Jane with her homework before dinner.”
Homework? Ugh! I know how this is going to go. Embarrass myself in front of Jane as I have know clue how to do her homework. It’s so bad that I don’t even know how to use the all powerful Google to look it up!
30 mins later and 30 mins of reliving my inabilities to grasp Calculus all over again. It’s downstairs for dinner.
Mrs CV – “how was homework?”
Me – “I hate school. It makes me feel so stupid.”
Me – “Hey Johnny, time for dishes.”
Johnny- “Daaaaad I have too much homework can you do them.”
Me – Could have sworn our Google docs spreadsheet outlining chores had Johnny = Dishes on it.
Family collective eye roll in my general direction.
Mrs. CV – “Hey CV, don’t forget tomorrow the house cleaner comes so we’ve gotta clean up.”
Me – “SHIT really? I hate the night before Rosita comes. I’ve had a freaking long day and now I have to clean my house so my house cleaner can come tomorrow and clean my house! Why do I pay these people to do chores and clean my house when we’re the ones who actually do it!”
Mrs. CV – “Would you like to clean the toilets?”
Me – “I’ll put away the laundry”
9 pm…finally settling down with a nice after dinner drink. Turn on the TV (freaking game is already over). Flip on SportsCenter to check the score…
Mrs. CV – “Put on channel 76,894.65, Dancing with the Stars is on.”
Me – “Yes dear. Who are these people? Which one’s the “Star”? They aren’t even hot looking…what’s the point?”
Me – “Snort, huh, what was that?” Shit, the evening news is on? Where’d everyone go? Seriously they all left me down here asleep on the sofa again? I’ve gotta get to bed…freaking 6:30 am conference call with the Germans again. So much for a workout.
And, so ends another Day In The Life of CV.
As the 80’s were my formative years, I often look toward Ferris Bueller for advice. In this case I think he had it right.
I think I need to slow things down.