There are times when someone utters a word or phrase that just makes my skin crawl. I know, I should lighten up. But, seriously, we all have them. Certain words that make us want to go stabby. There’s likely some deep rooted early childhood trauma that caused this. Or perhaps some Freudian issue. Don’t we blame him for everything? Or, maybe it’s just because some jackass at the office uses it all the time.
That said, there are some words I just hate. Yes, hate. It’s a strong word, yet appropriate in this case. Oddly enough, I don’t hate the word hate. Confusing huh? That would be like going back in time, seeing myself and forever changing the path I’m on. Thus in the future how would I ever get to go back in time to change the path I’m on? Freaking crazy weird circle of mind blown. But, I digress.
A lot of people do this thing called Wordless Wednesday, where they publish a post without words. I’m going to take it to a new level for this particular Wednesday.
Words I Hate Wednesday
So what words (or in some cases phrases) do I hate?
Reimagine – So, your initial imagine didn’t go so well, now you want a do-over? Car companies are using this a lot in the adverts. It’s like saying, “our first Chevy Traverse in 2008 sucked so we decided to have a do-over and here’s the 2013 which ironically looks very much like the 2008. I guess our imagination, and reimagination, still stinks. Sorry.” Also, it appears that WordPress agrees that it is not a word.
Decaffeinated – This one should be obvious. What’s the point? Some say it’s like fake cigarettes which are designed to get people to stop smoking and kick the nicotine habit – I get that, but there is no place for fake coffee.
Non-alcoholic – See decaffeinated only multiply times 3.
Laundry -Doing laundry sucks. I don’t mind so much putting it in the washer or the dryer. It’s the folding it and putting it away that I can’t stand. Seems my household feels the same way as we have cleaned/dried clothes piled up on the family room sofa almost perpetually.
Meme – Look I know what it is, but I still hate it. It’s like that song that’s played all the time on that top 20 station. By the second time you’re like, “yeah this is a pretty good song.” By the fourth time of a family road trip, you’re thinking, “please dear lord let there be a massive sun spot that takes out all of the top 20 satellite and terrestrial radio stations.” Seriously, you can’t tell me you’re not freaking sick of Grumpy Cat?
Homework – As in “Dad can you help me with my homework?” I hated homework when I was in school and had to do my own. Now that I’ve got kids in high school, not only do I not like it, I can’t even freaking DO it. Nothing like trying to help a high schooler do homework to make you feel stupid.
Diet – Look, I love to eat. In fact the prime reason I work out a lot (ok a fair bit) is so I can eat more. Food is awesome. Diet food is not. Diet Coke? “Here’s a can of sorta flavored like the real thing nothingness…enjoy!” In fact the best thing soda companies have done is come out with things like Coke Zero. Think about it. In World War II the prime Japanese fighter jet was the Zero. How bad ass is that? Of course many were used on kamikaze missions, but I’m sure drinking Coke Zero isn’t the same…
Working <fill in one of the three daily meals here> – Again, I love to eat. I don’t like meetings. Combine the two and you ruin my meal. No matter what anyone says, when you have a “working lunch” you end up working more than eating. And, the food typically sucks. On the road? It’s worse. You’ll end up having 3 full working meals and questioning if your digestive system will ever recover.
Unread messages – 194 Unread messages. Yup, that’s my current count at the moment. And, that’s actually really good as I spent the better part of a recent plane trip doing the “select all…delete” thing trying to clear out many messages that will likely never get read. Friends, you should heed my motto: Don’t fret about deleting it. If it’s important, it’ll come back. Trust me.
Message Waiting Indicator – This is very closely related to Unread Messages. I’ve been known to mark all my voicemails as heard just to stop that freaking flashing red light I hate which is constantly threatening to send me into seizures. Look I’m the first to admit I have issues. Related…
Voicemail, as in I left you a voicemail. Who leaves voicemail messages nowadays anyway? Get my greeting? Send me a text if it’s important. Don’t have my cell number? Send me an email I can ignore and later delete…unread of course. But, what’s even worse…sending me an email to tell me that you just left me a voicemail. It’s one or the other…but, dear god not both. P.S. preferably neither.
Touch base – “Hey CV, can we touch base on that super important (only to the person asking) topic?” What does this mean anyway…touch base? We’re not playing baseball last I checked. The only other “base” I remember was a variation of being on base in baseball. As a kid when you were playing tag, if you got to the base the other person couldn’t tag you out. I sure wish Cubeville had a base so I could just sit there all day and no one could bother me.
Compact – as in compact parking spots. The concept is simple. Compact parking spot = compact car. However, even with gas prices being fairly expensive most people don’t drive little cars. That said, I’m pretty sure these compact spots are shrinking. It used to be that a smallish sized car, say like a middle-aged Dad commuter Honda Accord for example could easily fit into those spots. Not anymore. Now, I’m pretty sure a Prius or even Smart Car would have a hard time with these compact spots.
Push the envelope – Push it? Push it where? Push it real good. <bump…bump bump bump bump…push it real good>…sorry bout that. This is code, pure and simple. Bossman wants you to take risks. If they work out and you succeed, bossman will take the credit. If you fail, well, best pack your bags.
Open the kimono – In reality what this means is I’m going to tell you the truth and show you everything. OK so, up to now you were lying and holding stuff back? Awesome.
I’m surprised that this term is still allowed in today’s highly politically correct environment. After all, you’re saying you want me to flash my goodies to my coworkers? And, it’s sorta dissing old school Japanese dress. HR violations galore. While we’re at it, how about we modernize this and say, “Open the Burqa.”
Deck – aka slide deck; aka PowerPoint. I do not want to hear you say, “hey CV, can you create a deck about that super secret project? Oh…we didn’t tell you about the super secret project? Well, can you brush up on it and then whip up a deck?”
The only time I want to hear the word deck is when it’s used in this manner:
I’d like to deck Cubicle George. For the record, that’s a good deck.
Damn the English language is tricky.