On the road again. Part 1 – The Departure

This week I’ve been traveling for work and thought it would be a good opportunity to provide my thoughts, as random as they may be, about this long strange trip I’m on.

  • Packing. I hate, hate, hate packing. So after much procrastination, I finally start to pack for the week. At 10 pm the night before. SHIT!
    Me – Hey honey…psst…honey are you awake?
    Honey – I am now. And, no even though you are going away for the week I don’t feel like sexy time.
    Me – No? Wait, seriously, where’s my pants?
    Honey – In the closet like the always.
    Me – I need my good black ones, did you get them from the dry cleaner?
    Honey – Oh, those weren’t done yet.
    Me – What?! I NEED them.
    Honey – Well, go raid kid 1’s closet…after all he takes your clothes all the time <heehee>.

    Kid 1 – here you go…sorry they were rolled up on the bottom of my closet. You’ll need to iron them.
  • After a crappy sleep because I didn’t trust the 3 alarms I set and thought I’d miss my early morning flight, I finally wake up. Mental note – never, ever, ever schedule the pre-ass-crack-of-dawn-early flight again.
  • Well at least there’s no traffic at pre-ass-crack-of-dawn-early.
  • Best go to Long Term Parking to save a buck for the man.
    Aisle 1.
    Aisle 2.
    Aisle 3. Shit there’s no spots!
    Aisle 4…There’s one! Mental note: I’m parked in section J.
  • And, the bus to the terminal arrives finally. Only 6 more stops until I get to the terminal. Tons of empty seats and only 4 people on this bus. And of course the large dude getting on at stop 5 has to sit in the seat next to me. Personal space dammit!
    At least it’s early and he doesn’t stink too.
  • Check-in counter. Hey Southwest, when are you going to use those fancy smartphone apps that have your boarding pass on them so I can go straight to the gate?
    Counter helper – Any bags to check sir?
    Me – Checking bags is for suckers…NO.
    Bags fly free on Southwest, but if you’re on another airline they charge. Don’t check it. Take it to the gate and IF they run out of space they’ll check it for free. #ProTip.
  • Airport security is always a pain in the rear. Shockingly they aren’t checking “there” yet. Although I will say that after the Shoe Bomber we all had to start taking our shoes off, so is it really a stretch? Just saying.
  • TSA – sir what do you have in your back pocket?
    Me – you mean my boarding pass?
    TSA – ugh, I’m going to have to pat you down.
    Me – for a boarding pass? It’s a piece of paper.
    TSA – well it set off our scanner.
    Me <accepts their molestation as I do not want to end up in shackles and the bitch of some dude name “Tiny” in the local jail>.
  • Related, I have never taken the liquids in my bathroom bag out to be scanned in their little ziploc bag. EVER.
    And, yet the one piece of paper that EVERY traveler has on their person AND is required to get through security is the one thing that set’s off alarms indicating I may be some terrorist.
    Nice job TSA.
  • So, kids under 12 don’t have to take off their shoes. But of course that 13 year old is a danger to everyone. And, as kids under 16 don’t need a picture ID how the heck does the Lt Cmdr TSA know that they are not 13?
  • I also noticed a sign this week stating that if you are over 75 you don’t have to take off your “light” jacket.
    1. How do we define a light jacket? Is it similar to TSA’s definition of a “small knife“? A light jacket = one that weighs no more than 18.78 ounces dry.
    2. It does kinda make sense as if you are an over 75 suicide bomber who is still alive you’re clearly not too good at your trade, so the risk assessment is quite low.
  • Living in the Silicon Valley there are a geeks everywhere. And, going through security is a great place to witness them in all their glory, because they need to empty their pockets of all their tools of the geek trade. Turns out there’s a new crescent wrench in the geek’s tool box these days. For those who have trouble keeping their stuff charged, there’s the Solar Powered backpack. Because the geeks are always out hiking in the sunny outdoors vs. sitting in the sterile fluorescent lit land of cubes.
  • How is it that a direct flight that gets me to where I’m going 3-4 hours sooner than a non-direct flight, but costs $100 more than the non-direct flight is “Out Of The Corporate Policy” and rejected? What’s my time worth you to bozos? Wait don’t answer that.

sb2114989_man_at_airportTo be continued….

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About CubicleViews

Observations, thoughts & random bitching about cube life, food, beer, wine, whiskey and sometimes politics. Living the dream in a 6×8 doorless polyester walled cell.
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19 Responses to On the road again. Part 1 – The Departure

  1. List of X says:

    Ok, so maybe someone over 75 doesn’t have to remove their light jacket, but how exactly does the TSA determine that a jacket weighs no more than 18.78 ounces, without actually removing it to weigh it??

  2. free penny press says:

    This is hilarious… read it just before departing Corporate America (got tired of reading emails)..
    few weeks ago when i was returning from out of town they pulled me to the side. said I needed my fingers “dusted”.. yeah, everyone looked like I was the unibombers cousin or something..

    • CubicleViews says:

      Haha. When they said that I was going to be patted down because of the paper in my back pocket I was afraid they would dust me as well but not my fingers. Yikes!

  3. Marie says:

    Oh the pain…. years and years and years ago I had to do a promo tour across Canada. I was travelling and flying in and out every 3 days for two months. Every single one of those nasty flights had a take-off at 6:30 am “so I could better benefit of the day in the new city”. By the end of week 1 I wanted to drive a hammer into my eye.

    Looks like you’re already there! 😉

    • CubicleViews says:

      The only saving grace is they didn’t make me take a red-eye flight so I could literally spend the whole day there working.
      And, let’s just say it’s a good thing they don’t allow you to take hammers onboard.

  4. I cannot believe you we’re handed pants and told you will have to iron them. I would have invited hell in our lives over that shit. There would be no one in my house still sleeping when I walked out that door.

    Sir, you make my life feel easy

  5. Man sorry for the double reply, but I am truly sorry you had to go through so much bullshit before you even left your house.

    You are a damn superhero as far as I am concerned .

    • CubicleViews says:

      Tom, I’ll gladly take multiple replies/comments over none, so no worries.

      And, I’m pretty sure my only superhero power is refraining from strangling people with my mouse cord when they yet all me…daily!

  6. lablover22 says:

    A light jacket? A 75 year old suicide bomber? You are killing me tonight!! Sorry about the lack of pre-trip sexy times . Maybe it will motivate you to pack earlier next time;)
    Vicky
    http://www.thepursuitofnormal.blogspot.com

  7. Kir Piccini says:

    I never travel for work, only pleasure and it’s been a few years,….so I put up with the Sh**t because I just wanted to get to Aruba, St Maarten , St Lucia, or Florida 😉

    but if I flew often, well I’m sure my RX for Xanax would be need to be refilled more often. 😉

    this was funny, well written and enjoyable to read. Hope the flight was too….

  8. joescottusa says:

    At this rate, I don’t even need to see Part II to know that I must NEVER TRAVEL BY PLANE AGAIN. Thanks for the reminders. Ouch.

  9. Pingback: The Weekly TPS Report – May 17 | The Cubicle Views

  10. Pingback: On the road again. Part 3 – Homeward Bound | The Cubicle Views

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