The Weekly TPS Report – June 28

End of June? WTF…Where did this month go? Whelp, the good news is that, at least for those of us in the states, next week is a short week. BBQ, cold beer, illegal explosives…it’s gonna be great!

And, if you aren’t from the US, don’t bother us it’s party time summer style! But, have fun reading our Out Of Office messages while you work.
Hint: despite what the OOO says, we’ll likely ignore your message when we return as well.

But, before I put in the (half-assed?) half-week, it’s time to close out the month of June with this week’s wrap-up.

  • Hey new parents, I’ve been around the block a few times, so let me pass along some advice to you – no matter what those in some authoritative position say, find a way to incorporate alcohol into any kid related event.
    You’re welcome.
  • I enjoy a really nice steak like the next non-vegetarian person, but sometimes a basic PB&J is absofuckingtabulous.
  • Look if you’re driving a minivan (aka grocery getter) you don’t need to pretend you’re a Formula 1 driver during the commute. It just makes you look silly.
  • Related, driving a bright red Ferrari 10 mph in commute traffic is only slightly less silly. I mean, at least it’s a Ferrari.
  • There are so many HR rules as to what you can/can’t fire people for that I believe it’s a no-brainer that we should get at least one “freebie” when it comes to beating the shit out of a certain annoying coworker.
  • If my attitude about work this week were a movie, it’d be called He’s Just Not That Into You.
  • I finally figured out why my jackass coworker has the volume on his phone’s handset turned up so loud. It’s because his head is so far up his ass he can hardly hear.

In this week’s Ripped From the Headlines Files…

  • This is the week that seemed to represent all that is ADD in America. Each day there was a new story that eclipsed the previous day’s story. It all started Sunday with the guy walking across the Grand Canyon (which technically wasn’t the GC) on a tight rope. Can you say idiot?
  • Paula Dean. What can you say besides “more butter”? Well apparently not the N word a long time ago as that, unlike violent crimes such as beating up people, allowing dogs to fight to the death for your betting pleasure, or kicking the shit out of your wife while all bad, are not so bad that you don’t get a second chance – if you are a star athlete or musician.
  • Related, you know you’ve hit rock bottom when, you are a southern, butter loving cook and you’ve been dropped by Walmart. And, Target.
  • Edward Snowden, the man that spoke up against a government who is “spying” on citizens, went from China to Russia apparently en route to some Ecuador, Cuba, or perhaps Venezuela. I think the only way it would be more ironic is if he was a woman and went to a hard core Islamic country.
  • Shout out to all my gay friends! You can get married now in California (well hopefully in 30 days or so).
    And, here I thought I was done with the cycles of gift buying and making excuses not to attend wedding.
    P.S. I bet the divorce lawyers are salivating at how the prospective market size just jumped up significantly.
  • So now that Obama has fixed health care it’s apparently time to move on. This week he announced that it’s time to tackle the environment. Honestly, I think both are doable. Here me out…
    We’re all going to have to buy mandatory health plans under Obamacare because our employers are going to find any way possible to not participate and therefore won’t be able to afford food.
    And, when he imposes Obama Electric and Gas we won’t be able to afford to heat our homes.
    As a result, we won’t be getting fat and we won’t be burning all that oil and coal.
    Health and energy problems solved.
    It’s really pretty simple.

OK folks, I’ve got a date with Mrs CV and some cold drinks to partake in, so I’m outta here. Have a great weekend.

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About CubicleViews

Observations, thoughts & random bitching about cube life, food, beer, wine, whiskey and sometimes politics. Living the dream in a 6×8 doorless polyester walled cell.
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2 Responses to The Weekly TPS Report – June 28

  1. lablover22 says:

    This might be your best one EVER! I laughed at every single line!! Seriously! This Paula Deen thing is killing me. I’m married to lawyer (It’s not as bad as it sounds, I promise) and even he thinks she should have just lied in her deopsition if the fall out was going to be so ridiculous. Of course you can’t use words like that and she definitely needs to keep her “jokes” to a more secluded room if she can’t keep ’em to herself, but you are so right about how “unforgivable” this sin is compared to violence. Good grief America, we make ourselves look so dumb some times!
    Vicky

    • CubicleViews says:

      It’s really pretty sad that people put so much weight on a word, and not just that one, there are countless words that make people cry “I’m a victim please give me restitution and punish someone!”

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