Here we are, as I write this post, 24 hours into the Great Government Shutdown of 2013. It seems like this was the only thing talked about around our water cooler at work. Actually, we don’t really have a water cooler so much as a water dispenser. It’s kinda some weird machine against the wall that puts out cold and hot water. Actually, it’s a faucet in our office break room. Anyway, that’s besides the point. The point is, the shutdown is all that was talked about, joked about and used as an overall excuse by coworkers for anything that it would seem reasonable to use it as an excuse for getting out of something. Yeah, my coworkers are like that.
**Full disclosure: There haven’t been 2 shutdowns. In actuality, there have been 17 US government shutdowns since 1977, but Boogaloo doesn’t rhyme with 17 so, let’s just call the title creative liberty and move on ok.**
Now that we’re clear on that, one of the main questions I’ve heard has been, “wait, if they shut the government down, how the hell is it going to impact me?”
Fair question, after all everything is about me. Even when it’s about you, it’s really about me…CV. So, while it’s about me, I’m sure you have some questions too about how it will impact you (me) and I’d like to try and address some of them.
Now look, contrary to what most of you (I) think, I don’t have all the answers. And, if you ask my teenage kids, it’s likely they’ll say, I don’t have any of the answers. That said, we need to ask the questions. So, I shall pose the questions, some in the form of comments and we’ll all judge how it impacts me, er you…(me).
- Exactly when will the planes start falling out of the sky since the FAA will be closed?
- Will PBS show reruns of shows? As being overweight is hard on my kids and they don’t like to go outside.
- I’m worried about who will monitor our super secure borders and people will just be able to walk across, because we know they’ll want to get in line for that awesomely free health care that’s coming.
- I heard the US Post Offices will still be open, which is good since I love getting all the random coupons on Tuesday along with my other junk mail.
- Plus, since the Post Office loses about $25 Million a day when they’re open, can you imagine how much they’d lose if they were closed?
- Will there be a delay in processing my permit for an fully automatic assault gun, because I’ve got shit to shoot up it’s deer hunting season.
- When the government was haulin at full efficiency we couldn’t protect our Embassy in Benghazi how are we ever going to protect them all now?
- I’ve got a flight this week and, assuming I trust you that planes won’t be falling out of the sky, how early will I need to get to the airport? I mean normally they have 2 of the 6 TSA security stations open so I can only assume they’ll have to scale that back some.
- If Yellowstone, and other national parks, are closed, couldn’t I just walk around the sign and still have a rocking good time in nature?
- Who will install all the signs saying the Federal institutions are closed if the workers aren’t allowed to come to work?
- I’m worried about the safety of those who live near Yellowstone. I mean, who’s gonna make sure the mountain lions, wolves and buffalo just don’t leave and terrorize America? After all, Colbert warned us when he said, America’s greatest threat is bears.
- Since all the Interstates will be closed and my commute will suck, can I “work from home” until the government is open for business again?
- Does this mean all the great warriors of America fighting various sand countries for…well something that the government hasn’t made really clear, can come home and enjoy the massively delayed veterans benefits that they deserve?
- I’m glad the Mrs went grocery shopping over the weekend, because with the USDA shutdown I’d be worried that we’d get horse meat instead of my filet mignon.
- On the bright side, with the FCC shutdown and the FDA not paying attention we don’t have to listen to 456 side effects that the newest boner drugs cause while watching the NFL games.
- Does this mean I can text, call and email whomever I want without fear of the NSA snooping on me?
- I heard that Speaker of the House Boehner actually orchestrated this shutdown because he needed more time to ensure his tan was deep enough to make it through the winter.
- If the government is shutdown and Congress doesn’t have anything to do, do you think they’ll keep the Library of Congress open still so they can check books out to read during their break?
- I sure hope the shutdown lasts through April, because I’ve already spent the money I’m gonna owe in 2013 taxes.
- They say only “non-essential” workers will be sent home. My question is this, “why do we need non-essential workers in the first place?
- Related, it turns out about 800,000 federal employees were sent home – a number greater than the combined U.S. workforces of Target, General Motors, Exxon and Google. Maybe we could do away with even a fraction of those folks? Nah, it’s not like the government is totally bloated, let’s just get rid of Exxon…they’re evil.
- Since so many people are starving in the US, despite being the fattest we’ve ever been as a country, I’m sure they’ll allow the 47 million people to continue using their food stamps.
- If the government runs the internet and the government is shutdown, how in the hell am I supposed to get to this website if it’s not working? Damn you tricky bastards!!!
Also, it’s good that the border is now open as I need someone who speaks Spanish that can translate this for me.
- It turns out it will be illegal to walk on the National Mall when the government is shutdown, but can we still go to Target to shop?