The Weekly TPS Report – Oct 26

  • People often say the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree when talking about kids traits and their parents. Well, given the amount of girls who come to our house to hang with the teen boy, I’d say he’s from a different orchard altogether.
  • I finally figured out why they list out all of the possible side effects of drugs when advertising them on TV. It’s to make you feel not so bad about whatever issue you have that prompted taking the drug in the first place.
  • For the amount of coffee I drink, you’d think I would’ve learned by now how to pour a cup without spilling half of it on the counter.
  • It doesn’t build my confidence when I’m forced to upgrade my computer (twice a week) and it says, “There is Less Than a Minute Remaining”, yet 10 minutes later the little wheel is still spinning.
  • Pretty successful week overall. I didn’t get fired and my kid only said I ruined his life 3 times. That’s 1 less than last week.
  • I like the word I’d’ve.
    Grammer Nazi’s be damned!
  • My cynicism is like moonshine. It’s clear and harsh.  And, while many people laugh at us cynics, truth is they can’t handle us.
  • This is an example of a dialog between a coworker and I trying to schedule a meeting:
    Me: I’m only available on Monday or Tuesday.
    CW: How about Friday?
    Me: Monday or Tuesday.
    CW: Thursday?
    Me: Monday or Tuesday.
    CW: Friday?
    Me: Sure <I’m totally not going to show up>
  • I’m finally going to get a good nights sleep now that my Yellow Pages have arrived.BXY9JrICcAIliLSP.S. Yeah I totally used the “1972 Filter” on that picture. Cause, Yellow Pages.
  • HR is all about the “open cubicle environment” now, because the belief is it fosters “collaboration”. Well, last time I checked collaboration didn’t mean everyone sitting there with noise canceling headphones on trying to ignore each other.

In this week’s News Ripped From the Headlines:

  • The word of the week was “Glitches” as in: The Obamacare system is gonna be great despite the many glitches. Hey Sebelius, I can totally understand how you feel.BU4PkyYCIAAxCO3
  • You think the public is upset over the screwed up rollout of the Obamacare website? That’s nothing compared to how pissed the NSA is since they were counting on all that medical info for new material.
  • Seems now that Obama’s team has made Obamacare wildly successful it’s time to move on. Now he wants to bring high-speed internet to 99% of the US students.
    Hey, that’s an awesome goal, but given recent major projects, I’m guessing it’ll turn out to be the equivalent of 1990 fax transmissions including the screeching noises.
  • “If you like your insurance plan, you’ll keep it.” Or, maybe not

In this week’s “Today’s Fun Fact” from 1,227 Quite Interesting Facts to Blow Your Socks Off I bring you this: Under extreme high pressure, diamonds can be made from peanut butter.

And, to close out these week, my favorite search term leading people to my blog this week was:

Screen Shot 2013-10-26 at 8.09.23 AM

Enjoy your weekend folks.

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The Weekly (more or less) TPS Report – Oct 11 and 18

Yeah, I know. I didn’t post one last week so how can you call it “weekly”? Well, if you combine 2 weeks it’s still sorta weekly right?

  • Sometimes (most of the time) I think that bosses ask for reports just to keep you busy and they really have no intention of looking at them.
  • I try to read other’s blogs as much as I can in between family time and work time, because there’s some great stuff out there. The other day I read a post by Jen over at People I Want to Punch in the Throat entitled – 8 Ways to Say F*ck You. I’ve gotta work on using some of these more “HR friendly” options.  Nice work Jen.
  • Voluntarily scheduling myself for a 3 hour webinar in the earlier afternoon is the work equivalent of a 4 year old telling their mom that they would like to go take a nap. It just doesn’t happen. Yet, in my case, it did. WTF was I thinking?
  • Last week I wrote about how we’ve gotten what we deserved. Further I suggested that it’s high time we get a congressional overhaul done. I think I got someone’s attention based on this phone call I got at home.BWGwbDbCEAAvork
  • My dogs are amazing (or freaks of nature). On a 5 mile walk I’m pretty sure they peed about 5-6 gallons worth. That’s some serious bladders.
  • A presentation should never have more than 15 slides. But, one of my coworkers decided that they needed over 40 for this particular session. That’s a ton of material, yet somehow I can’t remember any of it. Thanks Words With Friends.
  • You think work is hard? Try being a parent.
    Never had kids? Then there’s no way you get that statement.
  • One of my readers sent me this picture saying that it reminded them of me. Well there’s at least one person who’s really read this blog.BWyQR_HCQAA89gU

And, in this (and last) week’s News Ripped From The Headlines…

  • A middle school in Long Island decided that allowing kids to burn off energy by playing and being, well…kids, just isn’t appropriate. You see they’ve determined that playing isn’t really safe. Or perhaps that their lawyers decided it wasn’t financially safe for them. Shit, I get that. A kid gets hurt on the playground and some parent will likely sue them on the grounds that the school officials didn’t do everything they could to protect that child from harm. Then, the school will have to settle out of court for a ton of dollars. So, in the end, I don’t blame the school. I think what they are doing is stupid. I think what they are doing is actually harming the kids, because they will have major pent up energy and not be able to focus in class. And, that, in many cases, will lead to wanting to put the kids on drugs to “balance them out”. So, in the end, I blame lawyers. Lawyers are the root of major evil in this country. Unfortunately, they are a necessary evil. Sucks doesn’t it?
  • Soon, drones may be able to make their lethal decisions on their own. How could this possibly go wrong?
  • Back to lawyers again. Lawyers have forced the world to put words like “Caution Content is Hot” on our coffee cups. But, who decided to put this “no shit sherlock” words on this cup?

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  • So the Government shutdown is over now and all the mainstream press can say is how the GOP lost big time. Unfortunately, I think it’s pretty clear we all lost.
  • And, with that it’s time to get back to work you 18% percent of non-essential government workers. How you feeling about your job now?
    Don’t worry…we’ll get to do it all over again in January.
  • Meanwhile hiding out in the shadows of the shutdown was the launch of Obamacare. Which, as far as launches go, was more like one of those North Korean rocket launches. If there were a launch of a product like this from any public company, that public company would be out of business. Think it’s gone well? Check this out – and no it’s not a Fox bash Democrats piece it’s from CNN.
  • I find it really odd that the whole country was up in arms about the thought that the NSA might have access to records of who we called. Now that it appears the NSA has so much more than that no one seems to care. I don’t get you folks.

In this week’s “Today’s Fun Fact” from 1,227 Quite Interesting Facts to Blow Your Socks Off I bring you this: George W. Bush and Saddam Hussein had their shoes hand-made by the same Italian shoemaker.

And, to close out these week, my favorite search term leading people to my blog this week was:Screen Shot 2013-10-17 at 10.43.43 PM

Yeah, so…From Russia With Love?Screen Shot 2013-10-18 at 6.30.29 AM

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You’re a dumbass and you get what you deserve

Here we are just over a week into Government Shutdown 2 – Congressional Boogaloo and what have we learned so far?  Continue reading

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The Weekly TPS Report – Oct 4

  • Things I learned this week – trying to run your drivers license through the credit card machine is highly unlikely to work.
  • It’s good thing that this week was almost entirely core workouts, because my 6 pack is much closer to a 4 pack of those half sized little cans.
  • Some of my happiest moments are while driving a truck with my dog in the front seat.
  • This week I heard that Pope John Paul II was going to get canonized. Turns out it has nothing to do with being a human canon ball. Shame as that would be cool to see him as a human canon ball. Flying Pope. Alive would be better I’d think.
  • There isn’t a day that goes by at work where I don’t fantasize about going off grid and being like one of those dudes on Mountain Men.
  • While I appreciate the feedback, if the only advice you have for me is, “I think you should use a different font.”, I’m going to question how you became a VP.

In this week’s episode of News Ripped From The Headlines:

  • Government shutdown….just read this.
  • Another stat I learned. 93% of the Environmental Protection Agency’s employees are non-essential. So why do we have them at all?
  • When the shutdown is over, do you really think “non-essential” employees will come back to their job fully jazzed to work on non-essential shit?
  • Part of shutting down the government has to do with saving money. Many feel that too much money is spent these days and that it’s spent unwisely. But, clearly we need to keep the US Postal Service running 6 days a week even during the crisis, because god forbid you don’t get your Tuesday coupons, Walgreens and CVS offers and random credit card application a day later. What boggles the mind even more is that the USPS is designed to be self-funding. In fact, unlike other federal agencies, the Postal Service isn’t funded by taxpayers, and is intended to function like a private business. Turns out the USPS loses on average, $25 Million a day. Can you imagine a “private business” losing that much a year, let alone a day?
  • A related item to this week’s shutdown is Obamacare kicking off. And, if you don’t think it’s related, you’re high. Many believe the Republicans are holding the government hostage just to kill Obamacare. Part of that is related to the cost of it. One thing leading to the cost of it is the fact that we as a society need to be “sensitive” to other cultures and languages within our great melting pot. And, Obamacare is no exception. See, the rules and guidelines are multi-lingual. Of course they are in English and Spanish. Probably in Chinese and Vietnamese as well. Maybe Korean makes sense. Probably French. But, did you know it’s accessible in 150 languages? Oh and there are translators standing by too!
  • What really bugs me is that people are blaming one party or the other. “Republicans suck”, “Democrats won’t negotiate”, whatfuckingever. If you think this is the fault of one party you are high. Both parties suck. Neither party is working for you – they are working for themselves. People open your minds. They both suck.

I’ve had enough of the news. In this week’s “Today’s Fun Fact” from 1,227 Quite Interesting Facts to Blow Your Socks Off I bring you this: Kangaroos have 3 vaginas.

And, to close out the week, my favorite search term leading people to my blog this week was:Screen Shot 2013-10-03 at 9.04.17 PM

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Government Shutdown 2 – Congressional Boogaloo

Here we are, as I write this post, 24 hours into the Great Government Shutdown of 2013. It seems like this was the only thing talked about around our water cooler at work. Actually, we don’t really have a water cooler so much as a water dispenser. It’s kinda some weird machine against the wall that puts out cold and hot water. Actually, it’s a faucet in our office break room. Anyway, that’s besides the point. The point is, the shutdown is all that was talked about, joked about and used as an overall excuse by coworkers for anything that it would seem reasonable to use it as an excuse for getting out of something. Yeah, my coworkers are like that.

**Full disclosure: There haven’t been 2 shutdowns. In actuality, there have been 17 US government shutdowns since 1977, but Boogaloo doesn’t rhyme with 17 so, let’s just call the title creative liberty and move on ok.**

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The Weekly* TPS Report – Sept 28

* Ok, so let’s get the awkward part of the way. If it’s going to be a “weekly” report, it pretty much should be something that’s done “weekly”. But, alas I’ve been busy so, in my case, it’s more or less weekly.

  • One of the things about cube-life is that you pretty much hear everything that goes on around you – good or bad. For example, this week I overheard a coworker explaining to another what could only be interpreted as office porn:
    “I’d like to make my package accessible to everyone.”
  • I’m a Mac guy being forced by work to live in a PC world. One thing about PCs is that it seems like every week there are Windows updates to deal with. And, in some weeks there are two forced updates. Unfortunately, I’ve become used to the updates and the 15 minute forced break they bring. But, this is getting ridiculous…52 updates?

    BU4PkyYCIAAxCO3

    59 minutes and 4 restarts later…back in business!

  • Social media is odd. Take for example three mediums that I and likely many of you use. LinkedIn, Facebook and Twitter. All three involve posting thoughts on the interwebs for the world to see (or ignore). And, yet they are so different in their goals and audiences. But, when the day is done I think I’ve figured out how to best summarize them:
    LinkedIn – where people I’ve never worked with and don’t know want to “connect” with me so I can help them get a job they’ll probably not like.
    Facebook – where people I actually know, from long ago, friend me and “like” what I’m saying about my kids, yet I haven’t seen them since we were kids.
    Twitter – where people I don’t know and quite possibly don’t even really exist “follow” me and I pray they don’t turn out to be people I actually know.
  • Friday’s for me used to be all about chillin and doing very little work. Clearly I’m doing something wrong, because this is my calendar overview from this past Friday.BVI8glMCcAAnHkm

In this week’s News Ripped From the Headlines

  • One of my favorite shows, Dexter, ended last week. Or did it? Winning the Emmy for Best Show To Have The Worst Last Season Ever, Dexter ended with him killing sister and then himself. But, no, Dexter didn’t die. He’s now a Lumberjack. Yes, that’s right. The guy who used to play with sharp knives is now playing with big wood. That last season was the worst written piece of crap I’ve watched in a long time.
    Dexter, I loved you. I loved your sister Deb’s potty mouth – “holy filet of fuck” was my favorite Deb F bomb line. But, I’m so glad you are done with and your writers should be ashamed.
  • In an attempt to regain the “We are the craziest state in the Union” award from Florida, this week a California firm dedicated to making the environment better has applied for a permit to kill eagles. It’s not like they’re bald eagles. That would be anti-American.
  • So Senator Ted Cruz got up and spoke for 21ish hours this week in front of the great Senate of the United States. Bear in mind there was virtually no Senators actually there. So it was kinda like when I present in a webinar for 200 people who signed up yet only 22 show up.
  • Speaking of Obamacare. Next week is the first day the exchanges open. It’s a glorious week. Wait…you don’t know what the exchanges are? Oh you aren’t totally up on what Obamacare will mean to you? Well guess what, you aren’t alone. In fact, I’m pretty sure the only ones who are eagerly awaiting it’s arrival are the folks saying, “Sweet! The Democrats wanna give us more free shit that someone else way pay for! Bring it on!”
  • I saw that the new Iranian President (which is code for the guy who goes in public and does whatever the Supreme Leader says) tweeted this week about Obama. Then promptly deleted it. He probably sent a selfie wiener pic and thought better of it.
  • In this week’s “Parents and Lawyers Suck Files” I bring you an ex-NFLer who was very much wronged by a bunch of kids and attempted to provide a “teaching moment”. Yet, lawyers and stupid parents, who will likely yield equally or greater stupid kids, decided that they were in fact the ones who were wronged.
    People so piss me off. And, lawyers like this…I hate you…yes hate.
  • So not only does what will likely go down as one of the great clusterfucks of all time kick off next week (Obamacare), but on the same day (Oct 1) our government may shut down because once again we can’t pass a budget, can’t figure out what things can be cut from our “we’re gonna party like it’s 1999 and the world will end tomorrow” spending spree.
    You know what everyone? I’ve had it. This so called sequester which was going to cripple our country was a joke that’s only impact was the super slow Department of Motor Vehicles decided to take another day off.
    I hope they don’t pass a budget. Shut the fucker down. Fire all the idiots. Let chaos reign. Let cats and dogs live together and zombies roam free.
    Oh wait, that’s right NOTHING WILL HAPPEN AGAIN!
    The only outcome will be stupid news people reporting stupid things government officials say like:
    “You don’t want your house to burn down do you?”
    “You don’t want our power grid to just turn off do you?”
    “You don’t want kids schools to shut down do you?”
    “You don’t want all the planes to fall out of the sky do you?”
    “You don’t want all the gun shops to not be able to do background checks and have thousands of people walk into our schools on Wednesday with assault weapons and kill all of your children do you?”
    Yes, folks, it’s a joke. The whole thing is a joke and life will go on. The government will keep growing at an unprecedented rate. We will keep growing our debt at an unprecedented rate. And, we will all have to keep going to work just like we did yesterday.
    Move on.

Last time I introduced a new feature called Today’s Fact That Will Blow Your Socks Off from the book appropriately called: 1,227 Quite Interesting Facts to Blow Your Socks Off.

Today’s fun fact:

In 2008 a man in Ohio was arrested for having sex with a picnic table.

And here people were worried about the gays…

Finally, this week’s Favorite Search Term Leading People To My Blog:

Screen Shot 2013-09-28 at 10.43.50 PMOK I’m done.

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I give it 2 months, tops.

Two years ago today I ventured into the great WordPress wilderness by posting the first of what would become many random thoughts from my cube in, The Cubicle Views. Time flies. Back then I thought it’d last maybe two months before some other shiny object came along.

Yet, here we are. That day two years ago wasn’t really a birth, because many of the thoughts I’d go on to post about today were born in my cloudy head many years prior to that. No two years ago was more of a marriage of the thoughts in my head with the blog. Thus, it’s a blogiversary.

So, today, being my second blogiversary, I thought I’d do a modified re-post of last year’s. Sort of an update seeing as many probably never saw last year’s. Plus, it’s easier than writing a brand new one and, well, I’m lazy by nature. So…

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September 16th, A Day That Will Live In Blogging Infamy.

Know what today is? Go ahead, think about it…I’ll wait.


Ok I’m done waiting, it’s my Blogiversary!

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The Weekly TPS Report – Sept 13*

*Due to unforeseen requirements from my boss (and a smidge of laziness on my part) this report is a bit late.

  • Every once in a while one of my kids does something that makes me so proud and gives me a little bit of validation that I’m a half-good parent.
    Shame they usually ruin that feeling within the hour.
  • So I was preparing a dinner for the family on my grill. Some nice juicy chicken. Just as I was about to serve that succulent bird to my loving family, I noticed a bird had shit on my serving plate.
    Well at least the birds didn’t ruin dinner.
    Although, I think they were sending me a clear sign that my killing of their kin will result in war.
  • I came home a little early the other day to avoid the traffic and was greeted by one of my by happy dogs and a loving kid…
    “Dad, you’re home early, are you going out drinking again with Mom?”
  • I often take walks during lunch or other times for much needed breaks from work. But, those walks, which hopefully will clear my mind, often leave me confused.

In this week’s News Ripped From The Headlines:

  • Being “poor” in America is hard.
  • Competing in the Olympics has to be really hard. At least it appears so from my couch. But, at least the athletes in the 2020 Tokyo Olympics are all going to have country issued team radiation suits.
  • In other news, due to atheist fanatics, we are going to scrub God from all of our nations documents. The replacement will be: One Nation Under Surveillance; and, In NSA We Trust.
  • Can one of you NSA folks reading this please revoke Dennis Rodman’s passport while he’s in North Korea visiting the little dictator so he can’t ever come back?
  • If you were put into a cryogenic state say a decade ago and woke up this week to read the news of Putin, Obama and Syria, you’d think…
    “Holy crap, the US is now a war-mongering country and the Russian’s are a peace loving diplomatic keep the world safe country.
  • Obama has an address from the White House on Tuesday to explain the dire need to strike Syria in an effort to keep the world safe (can’t do it on Monday, cause nothing is more important than Monday Night Football – insert eye rolls here). He proceeds to spend the first third of it making a case for a strike against them. Then, lays out his, “well since no one in the world is into this really, I think I’ll just let Congress decide, so never mind” strategy.
  • Putin on the other hand steps up and does a great job of bringing the Russians to the forefront of world politics again, by being a global leader for peace.
    How does he communicate this? By way of of a very well written New York Times Op Ed.
    Again, very well written, but it also amazingly hypocritical from the gay hating, throw musicians in jail for saying anything against the party voice, Russian leader.
    That said, he’s at least acting like a better leader than damn near anyone in Washington.
  • And, while all that was going down, another year post 9/11 has passed. Please don’t ever forget.
  • Also, please take a break from life and read this.

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I was introduced to a new book this week called: 1,227 Quite Interesting Facts to Blow Your Socks Off. So, in an effort to give back to my readers, on a weekly basis I will now attempt to blow your socks off with some random facts from the book. Today’s Blow Your Socks Off Fact is:

One in ten European babies is conceived in an IKEA bed.

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This week’s Favorite Search Term Leading People To My Blog:

Screen Shot 2013-09-15 at 9.43.02 AM

Have a good week everyone.

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It’s about the journey. Journey’s confuse me.

I spend a lot of time at my desk every day reading emails, writing emails, on conference calls  and generally, just sitting. Sure, I do get away from the desk here and there – walking to some conference room named after a National Park or heading to the bathroom, because I drink too much coffee and water only to get freaked out by my well documented weird coworker peeing problems.

Spending so much time in the friendly confines of corporate America and my 6′ x 8′ polyester covered 3.5 walls makes me want to get outside every so often, just to get away. Luckily enough I’m in the awesome weather region of the Bay Area, California. So that means sometimes I can get out for a brief walk around the business park block. Not only does the fresh air feel good, but getting the blood flowing also helps me burn a few of those lunch calories. After all, keeping my figure is tough job.

Generally, I like to just walk and keep to myself – turning off the brain. But, on a recent walk I couldn’t help but notice there were many contrasts in the images I saw along the way. Let me splain…

UnknownThere are many people walking around enjoying the outdoors. The sun. The, for the most part, fresh air. Being out in nature, or as close as you can get in a business park…hey, there’s trees! Yet, at the same time there’s always this one lady in long pants, long sleeve shirt, a hospital paper mask, gloves and one of those welder mask hats on. If you’re that afraid of what the great outdoors will do to you why the hell are you doing lunch power walking outside?

I aslo saw a lady, a mom actually, pushing a stroller with her child in it. Why they were in business park land I’m not sure, but I couldn’t help but notice that sweet moment. Maybe they had come to visit dad at work. Wait she’s giving me a dirty look. What’s up with that? I mean hey if you’re going to be a hot mom and wear yoga pants with a sports bra yeah, I’m probably going to stare a bit. How long is a bit anyway? No more than 4 or so minutes, probably. Anywhoo…

Then a few minutes later I saw another parent walking his child. Where do all of these kids come from and why are they hanging out in the land of cubicles? My thoughts of that earlier sweet moment were ruined, however. No hot mom didn’t slap me. This new over-achieving parent was unfortunately the anti-hot mom in yoga pants and a sports bra. This was some overweight, 50 something dad (granddad?), half bald, black sweat pant, no shirt wearing, fat gut guy.

Yeah I threw up in my mouth…more than a little. On the bright side it’s technically not bulimia if someone else makes you throw up right? Calories be damned!

Three miles later, ok it was probably 300 or so feet I came across a sign that peaking my interest. Yes, the simple things make me stop and think. Often I wonder, who the hell thought of that and why.

No Shit Sherlock!

No Shit Sherlock!

Hmmm, I wonder where they put the sign that says “Gate Open”?

Onward! The journey must continue…

After that sign which clearly told me that my path was not going to go through those nicely painted chain link gates, I ventured onward.

But, then stopped dead in my tracks. “What do I do now,” I thought. “There’s no…sign!”

Maybe The World Ends Here?

Maybe The World Ends Here?

As I stood there staring at the scene wondering, “Did they run out of cement?” And, thinking to myself, “I guess I need to turn around. My journey has come to an end. I’m feeling sidewalk-insecure. Guess, I’ll have to go back to the cube.” Someone spoke to me. It was soft at first, but clearly, someone or something was speaking to me, “You know you can just cross the street right?”

Huh, what? Yes, welder mask lady I could do that, but I think my journey has come to an end for today as I have worthless meetings to attend.

Emerson said that it’s the journey, not the destination that matters. In the case of my walks, clearly it’s the journey that’s more interesting around business park land  then the destination of my cube.

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Never Forget

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